those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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