I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
