Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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