If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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