one might say we're banned from that church
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
