She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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