Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
