Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
