Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
