this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
3 2 1 whiskey
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
