I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
