Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
