I'm gonna have a badass scar
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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