dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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