Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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