Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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