here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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