We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
