dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
