Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
