Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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