did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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