We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
