He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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