Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
