i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
