Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it because I queefed?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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