I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
