Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
