he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
