I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
