My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Everyone says I win the strip club
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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