Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
