billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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