You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
