After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
