he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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