do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
