Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
