New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
