The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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