i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Found your dick twin last night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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