I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
