apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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