I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
