Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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