On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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