I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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