forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
