When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
