I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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