I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
