We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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