you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
