I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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